Better Out Than In
• Recent research has found that arguing with your partner can be good for you, and for your relationship. Arguing is a better alternative than bottling up angry feelings, which can cause health problems.
• In couples where both partners are more likely to let their feelings fester, those people are twice as likely to die early than couples who fight it out.
Fighting the Good Fight
• When it comes to arguing, there is the constructive way to go about it and the wrong way to go about it. Some helpful pointers to remember:
- Stay on topic
Try and stick to the topic at hand and don’t start airing out the blacklist of grievances that you’ve stored up over the years. The more you argue it out, the less likely you are to have these pent up frustrations anyway.
- Don’t fight dirty
Name calling, plate-throwing and deliberate jabs are not fair. Remember, the words you throw out in the heat of an argument will still be remembered long after. Keep a respectful tone.
- Take your time
This is especially good for people who aren’t ‘naturals’ at conflict. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time to gather your thoughts and then coming back to the debate in an hour or so, once you’ve both also had a chance to cool down.
- Don’t fight to win
An easy mistake to make – isn’t the point of fighting to win?
No, not in this case. Your only goal in any argument should be to understand your partner better. This puts a whole new slant on the argument. If you truly want to understand where your partner is coming from, you’ll have to listen to what they have to say. (Note I say listen, but you don’t necessarily have to agree).
The kids are alright
• Children learn by modelling. If you are confident you and your partner can argue constructively, then there is research to suggest that it is no problem to argue in front of them.
• Conflict is a part of everyday life, if you never argue in front of your children then they may have misguided ideas about how to handle conflict later in life.
• Reassure them that Mummy and Daddy still love each other very much, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree about everything – just like when they fight with their siblings or friends. Then go on to teach them the mature way to deal with it.
• One note though: never argue about the kids in front of the kids.
Emma Merkas is a relationships columnist and writer and owner of $30 Date Night website
http://thirtydollardatenight.com
