The issue of child custody was at the basis of a protest by a father who hung banners on the Sydney Harbour Bridge.  The banners read “kids first’ and ‘plz help my kids’.

The Commonwealth Government’s 2006 Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act promotes “equal shared parental responsibility and the benefit to a child of having a meaningful relationship with his or her parents”.  However, “equal shared responsibility” does not equate to “equal shared time”, rather it highlights the importance of both parents being responsible for the decisions regarding the welfare of their child.  It cannot be assumed that the more time a parent spends with their child, the more meaningful the relationship will be. 

Factors that play a role in post separation parenting agreements are the developmental age of the child, safety concerns and the parent’s previous level of involvement prior to separation.

However, in an article by Jennifer Mc Intosh and Richard Chisholm, Smyth (2004) found that the success of "shared care" is dependent upon “geographical proximity, the parents’ ability to communicate with one another, flexibility, financial security, age appropriate plans, confidence in the other parent’s parenting and a commitment to this type of care arrangement”. The evidence shows that the better the parenting relationship is prior to separation, the better it is post separation. There are a number of informal agreements between parents post separation that are working well for all parties. Only a small percentage of clients file in court.  Mediation is available for parents who are having difficulties resolving their disagreements around parenting

Research also highlights the importance for the child that their parent is emotionally attuned and available yet it is recognized that during the initial stages of a separation, parents are often not as emotionally attuned and available given the stress and anxiety surrounding the separation process.

Inter-parental conflict has been shown to negatively impact on the parental alliance, parental availability and attunement and the emotional wellbeing of the child.  These findings have resulted in an emphasis on reducing the conflict between separating parents and including children in the process (depending on their age) to ensure that their “best interests” are taken into account.  Where necessary, parents have been mandated to attend post-parenting programs.  Child focused and child inclusive mediation are forms of mediation where child information informs the parents about the needs of their child.

In summary, parenting agreements are influenced by the developmental stage of the child, safety considerations, the child’s ability to cope along with the prior parental relationship and the current relationship between the ex partners.   

At the 10th National Mediation Conference held in Adelaide last year, a paper presented by FM Harman titled "The Elephant in the room: An argument for a new embrace of the rule of law in Family dispute Resolution" focused on the developmental needs of children and possible parenting agreements give the age, stage and needs of the child.  Listed below is a brief summary of the ages and stages of development and age appropriate plans.  It shows that there is “no one rule fits all”.

Birth till 12 months – shorter spacing and more frequent visits with the possibility of an overnight stay if evidence of strong parental involvement by other parent. Child needs predictability, routine and secure attachments to caregivers.

12 to 36 months – Possibility of 2 non-consecutive overnights each week if other parent is strongly involved. Child needs to know that parents are available.

3-5 years – Routine is paramount at this age.  Weekend stays of some type may commence at this time.  Child may be able to spend two consecutive days in the care of the other parent.  The child needs consistent discipline and a conflict free environment.

6-8 years – Child needs to know that parental separation/divorce is not their fault.  The child needs consistent and structured time with each parent.

9-12 years – Routine continues to be important along with parental involvement in the school and sporting arena

13-18 years – Child needs flexibility from parents to be able to spend time with friends.  It is important that parents are positive role models. Depending upon the needs of the child and the parent, the week and weekend may be split between homes but it is imperative that the parents are able to cooperate and communicate with each other.

In summary, the legislative changes have moved toward an approach where the needs of the child rather than the needs of the parents are prioritized hence the term “best interests of the child”.  Parental conflict is not in the “best interests” of the child.  Often when a child or a parent has died post separation, there has been a prior history of inter-parental conflict.

It is therefore critical that parents work on reducing their conflict.  There are parenting after separation courses available at a number of organizations including Relationships Australia.  Yet, the important works starts much earlier than that. 

Below are a list of do’s and don’ts to reduce conflict between you and your partner post-separation.

Some recommendations for parents post separation:

Don’t:
Don’t ask your child questions about the other parent’s new relationship unless they voluntarily offer information
• Don’t make arrangements for your child when it is the other parent’s time with the child
• Don’t expect your child to immediately form a relationship with your new partner.  This is your choice not the child’s
• Don’t discuss issues at handover or in front of your child (provide a neutral environment). If you can’t do this at home or there are angry exchanges go to a public place or have others present
• Don’t ask your child to choose between you and your ex partner; you may have fallen out of love with your ex but your child hasn’t.  Remember that loyalty conflicts are the greatest predictor of anxious and depressive symptoms in children
• Don’t ask your child to keep secrets, relay messages or “tell” on their other parent
• Don’t place your child in the parent role by turning to him or her for emotional support; you have friends, family or professionals for this. Children who look after their parents miss out on their childhood

Do:
• Adopt a business like relationship now that you are separated
• Focus on your own behaviour rather than that of your ex partner – you can only control what you do
• If safety isn’t an issue, you need to accept that your partner will do things differently at his or her house to what you do in yours
• Deal directly with your ex partner rather than through your child – if it is difficult face to face use a communication book, send an email or leave a text or phone message. Remember to keep it specific and non emotive.
• Limit the amount of detail you provide to your child
• Remember that your child will be experiencing similar feelings to you such as fear, sadness, confusion and a sense of feeling overwhelmed
• Focus on your similarities in parenting rather than your differences as this will provide you with a shared basis for discussing more difficult topics (eg. I like the way we agree that our son/daughter needs …..)
• Ensure that your child feels loved – you could ask them how it is they know that their mum and dad love them?  You may be surprised by their response.
• Remember that you are providing your children with a model for their future intimate relationships

Reference:
Shared Care and Chidlren's Best Interests in Conflicted Separation: A Cautionary Tale from Current Research by Jennifer McIntosh and Richard Chisholm.  Australian Family Lawyer, Vol 20 No 1.
 

Further info at Relationships Australia